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"My girlfriend dumped me because she says I 'wasn't there' when we made love. She's not the first to say this. I know something's wrong. Can hypnotherapy help me?"
Your sexual dysfunction means you engage in sex more as an observer than as a participant.
You hold yourself back from entering a trance state; you have difficulty "letting go."
There are several ways in which a qualified hypnotherapist can help you to conquer this problem. Before using hypnosis it is essential that you receive competent medical advice.
Hypnotherapy will have a particular focus depending on whether the problem is organic or psychological.
Organic sexual problems require medical intervention. Hypnotherapy may be used as an adjunct, for instance, in helping you to heal faster after an operation.
More frequently, sexual difficulties treated by a hypnotherapist concern psychological issues.
Since the process deals with your mind all sexual activity during hypnotherapy takes place only in your imagination.
What you learn through hypnotherapy is practiced privately elsewhere.
Hypnotherapy may be used to heighten your sensual involvement and to help you to be fully present while engaging in sex.
A common, effective use of hypnotherapy is to lower your anxiety.
The anticipation of failure (particularly for men anxious about their ability to have or to maintain an erection) brings on anxious feelings.
These in turn bring about the failure. Hypnotherapy ends this vicious circle and replaces the anticipation of failure with the certainty of success and confidence.
Traditional sex therapy methods are more readily accepted by you when in hypnosis because the conscious, judgmental, analytical part of your mind is temporarily set aside.
Your subconscious then absorbs the new, positive messages you've asked the hypnotherapist to create.
Precisely because hypnosis taps into the autonomic nervous system, a person can use it to improve or alter functions that normally happen without conscious control, e.g., a man's erection.
Charles, a 27-years-old former sailor and currently an electrician, consulted a hypnotherapist because he was too fearful to have sex with his wife.
They'd been married three years and had had sexual difficulties since the birth of their daughter eight months previously. Charles was afraid he'd been embarrassed once again if he tried to make love.
"Kim laughed at me the first time and now she just gives me a look of disgust." Why? Because he couldn't maintain an erection.
Charles felt humiliated and frustrated; he worried that he'd never again have satisfactory sex with his wife. His dream of fathering a son seemed unattainable.
He told the hypnotherapist that he had no problem masturbating when alone. This was a likely indicator that Charles' problem was psychological, not organic.
As was Charles' report that he always had a firm erection when having sex with the occasional housewife in whose home he was doing electrical work.
To be on the safe side, the hypnotherapist advised Charles to be examined by a medical specialist to be absolutely sure there was no organic cause for his ED.
The doctor confirmed that Charles' trouble was "100 per cent psychogenic," meaning that for some emotional or psychological reason, he could not maintain an erection.
Of course, the more Charles tried, and the more he worried, the more flaccid was his penis.
The hypnotherapist explained to Charles that hypnosis could be used to uncover the cause of his trouble, or to tackle the symptom, or both.
Charles, being the impatient type, and of course eager to end his humiliating experiences, opted for the "quick fix."
Over the course of three sessions of hypnotherapy, Charles relived successful love-making episodes from his younger years as a Navy "stud."
Then the therapist used a melding technique to encourage Charles to see himself (in his imagination, while hypnotized) from now on once again enjoying a full, firm erection well beyond the time needed to satisfy his partner.
Positive suggestions were also made by the hypnotherapist to Charles about his prowess, his confidence and his desirability to his wife.
For three months Charles and Kim had a wonderful sex life. Then he lost an erection just as foreplay had become hot and heavy.
Kim, hurt and disappointed, reacted with sarcasm. All Charles' fears and anxieties rushed back. He returned to the hypnotherapist.
This time Charles agreed to investigate the cause of his impotence.
The hypnotherapist used various approaches -- age regression, age progression (in which the "future" Charles was to explain how he'd conquered the problem) analogue symbolic imagery -- but nothing worked.
In a subsequent session, with Charles relaxed in hypnosis, the therapist told Charles he'd have a dream. His subconscious would provide this dream as a way, either directly or symbolically, to explain the origin of his impotence.
Three nights later Charles dreamed he was outside a factory. It was night time and the factory loomed dark and mysterious.
Charles felt a strong urge to scale the steel fence that surrounded the factory. Then he tried to find away in. All the doors were shut and padlocked. A security guard ("very scary, because he had my face," said Charles) told him to go away.
But Charles persisted in his eagerness to enter the factory. He ran from the guard, to the back of the building. Here was the loading dock. Charles saw a bulldozer there. He jumped into its cab and began to operate the controls.
The guard reappeared, feebly told Charles to get off the property, to go to his own place. In the distance, Charles could see a stately castle which he somehow knew belonged to him.
But his only interest was in the dark factory. The guard shrugged. Charles started up the bulldozer and charged the heavy machine toward the small back door of the factory.
As the bulldozer began to rumble forward, Charles awoke -- with a massive erection.
The dream puzzled Charles. But it enlightened the therapist. To him it revealed that Charles was in the grip of the Madonna/Whore complex.
This is the attitude that divides women into "good" and "bad." Thus, a man's wife and especially mother, are "good." Prostitutes, other men's wives and and women of ethnic groups other than the man's own, are "bad."
"Bad" women are exciting; "good" women are boring. Sex is forbidden with "good" women but possible with the "bad."
A man with this complex may have sex with his wife occasionally, or until she becomes a mother, or while a post-hypnotic suggestion lasts. But his heart is not in it. Neither is his penis.
However, with a "bad" woman he has no commitment, no respect. She is there to be used.
His conscience (the security guard) barely bothers him about penetrating the stranger (the dark factory) but, perversely, does prevent him enjoying "his" woman (the castle).
When Charles heard this explanation, he nodded in agreement. This was indeed his view. And that of his father, uncle and most of his friends. He had no serious interest in changing this outlook, especially since Kim had announced she was pregnant. The hypnotherapist's suggestion that Charles and Kim seek marriage counselling fell on deaf ears.
A lawyer we shall call Mathilde did seek help from a psychotherapist. She had told the referring doctor that she rarely had an orgasm. The truth was that Mathilde never had an orgasm -- with her husband.
She'd been faking it for years. But she had climaxed with previous boyfriends. Also during a two-night stand a few months ago.
Mathilde had been a speaker at a lawyers' convention a thousand miles from home. There she met Roger, a brooding electrical engineer who had been trouble-shooting the hotel's elevators.
"He was not particularly good-looking but he had these soft grey eyes," Mathilde confided to the therapist. She smiled. "He was brutal in bed."
Mathilde was mildly surprised to find herself telling the male therapist details she had not felt comfortable confiding to her female doctor.
There was no question of her wanting to leave the marriage. She loved her husband, had a marvellous life. All that was missing ws the joy of orgasm. It was something she yearned for.
Until she met Roger the lack of orgasms with her husband had not bothered her much. Mathilde had become used to pretending -- and to satisfying herself in secret.
The therapist faced two dilemmas:
i) perhaps, despite Mathilde's conscious denials, there was some problem between her and her husband
ii) the therapist usually worked with couples, not individuals, on such sexual challenges.
He decided that, given the husband was not present and would be unlikely to come to future sessions, he would work with Mathilde, and he would use hypnotherapy. If the outcome was successful, there would be no need to explore possible conflicts between husband and wife.
First the therapist explained a little about hypnosis and how it could help Mathilde. Her first session was devoted to her simply relaxing into hypnosis, and becoming familiar with how safe and peaceful it felt.
In Mathilde's second and third sessions of hypnosis the therapist suggested Mathilde silently relive an earlier experience of orgasm.
In her mind she was to take particular note of the physical and emotional feelings which allowed her to climax.
When the orgasm in her imagination was over she would open her eyes, though remain in hypnosis.
Then the therapist pointed out, and Mathilde confirmed, that she had been internally very relaxed just prior to making love. And that during foreplay and intercourse, she became "lost" in the pleasure.
The therapist asked Mathilde to again close her eyes and this time to imagine herself in bed with her husband. Again she could relive the details silently, no need to tell the therapist anything, except when the imagined lovemaking was over.
When Mathilde compared the earlier experience with how she felt when making love with her husband she immediately noticed her tension.
"I am not relaxed and I don't get lost in the act." Sometimes she thought about cases she was working on and at other times she focused on making sure her husband was satisfied.
In the next part of the session the therapist first gave Mathilde suggestions that she could allow herself to relax with her husband, that she could allow herself to climax with him.
The therapist again waited silently while Mathilde played the scene through in her mind.
When she signalled (with a broad smile) that the scene had reached a successful end, the therapist closed the session with positive suggestions about Mathilde allowing herself to be relaxed, focused on pleasure and allowed to climax when making love with her husband.
And so it was.
* * *
Hypnotherapy has also been used successfully to overcome other sexual problems such as overlubrication, exhibitionism, and to uncover the reason a client became a transvestite.
Before seeking help with a sexual difficulty it is important to be sure it really is a problem. For example, a man may go to a therapist because he believes he suffers from premature ejaculation. But if the man is married to a woman who dislikes sex, indeed "wants it over with as soon as possible," that's exactly what is happening, so where's the problem?
Twenty-five years old Eugene's problem was real enough: he could not become erect. A handsome, single, bus driver, Eugene had had several medical examinations; all the doctors had concluded there was no medical cause for his impotence.
At first, hypnotherapy did not help Eugene. He became more and more despondent about his failure, scared to date and unable to sleep at night.
The hypnotherapist had used approaches one or more of which usually resolve psychogenic impotence:
> positive suggestions
> aversive therapy
> satisfying imagery
> arm rigidity
But nothing worked.
The hypnotherapist finally decided to enlist the guidance of Eugene's subsconscious through finger signalling and direct relay of images in response to questions.
(With finger signalling -- also known as an ideodynamic technique -- a hypnotized person allows the subconscious to answer questions with predesignated fingers that represent "Yes," "No," "Don't Know," and "Not yet ready to answer").
This approach proved fruitful, although at first puzzling.
Hypnotherapist: "I'm going to ask your subconscious some questions. There's no need for you to think about the questions or the answers. Simply allow your subconscious to respond through the fingers it has selected.
You will probably feel a tingling begin in the finger that the subsconscious selects. Then it will lift as though of its own accord.
Now, I'd like to ask your subconscious if there is a purpose served by Eugene's impotence?"
[This question is often answered "yes" and subsequently leads to an explanation such as a desire to punish self or partner for some reason].
[Fimger responses are indicated with ( )].
Eugene: (No).
H: "Does the cause of the problem lie in Eugene's past?"
E: (Yes).
[This response steered the hypnotherapist along the wrong path. He took no account of the literalness with which the subconscious absorbs information. Consequently, the hypnotherapist understood the "Yes" response to mean that there was a specific event, a trauma or a message, that began Eugene's impotence. As was later revealed, the "cause in the past" referred, not to a particular event, but to an ongoing process.]
H: "Did the cause happen before Eugene was 20?"
E: (Yes).
H: "Did the cause happen before Eugene was 15?"
E: (Yes).
H: "Before 10?"
E: (No).
[Now the hypnotherapist, who erroneously assumes some single event happened, switches from finger responses to image responses].
H: "Okay. I'm going to ask the subconscious to present to your mind an image that is somehow connected to the problem we're dealing with."
E: "I'm in a shop. I don't know how old I am but a man picks me up. I'm very scared. He holds me to him. Someone else comes in and tells the man to put me down."
[The hypnotherapist thinks that it is possible something happened in the shop to subsequently cause Eugene to become impotent. However, further questioning reveals that Eugene sees little more than he has already reported. There appears to be no abuse, no negative messages (such as "You'll never be a man.")
The session is drawing to a close so the therapist reverts to ideomatic questioning. He decided to check the medical verdicts].
H: "Does the problem have any medical basis to it?"
E: [Long pause]. (No).
H: "Is there something physical that would help?"
E: (No).
H: "Is there something missing in Eugene's diet, or something he should not be eating or drinking?"
E: (Don't know/don't want to answer yet).
[Eugene snaps out of hypnosis, much to his own surprise. In previous sessions for other problems Eugene had enjoyed hypnosis so much he had been reluctant to emerge. He puts himself back into hypnosis].
H: "Okay. Our time is nearly up. I want to thank your subconscious for its help. I'm now asking it to provide you with a dream that will give you a strong indication on how to solve the problem that brought you here."
[Eugene once again snaps out of hypnosis].
H: "Wow. We're clearly close to something significant, otherwise you wouldn't come out so suddenly."
E: "I don't understand why. But while you were talking about me having a dream something floated into my mind: smoking."
H: [Incredulous]. "You smoke!"
E: "Yes, a lot."
H: "There you are. That's what your subconscious was telling us: the cause of your impotence is smoking! Have you stopped before?"
E: "Yes. For a while."
H: "And did you have erections okay then?"
E: [Thinks back]. "Yes, I did. I did."
[And the shop? Why did the subconscious throw that memory into Eugene's mind? Perhaps because the shop sold cigarettes.]
Copyright (c) 2005 Bryan M. Knight
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Lately I've found myself wondering just what kind of junk mail existed before the daily avalanche of penis enlargement fodder. Every day, without fail, messages like ‘Increase your member’ and ‘Three inches in a week!’ or ‘Satisfy her!’ land in my junk box. Not to mention some of the more absurd ones: ‘Smash through walls with your massive dong!’ or ‘Missile in your pants!’
It's endless. And it's not limited to junk mail either - the entire net is strewn with ads for pills, cremes, powders and techniques to make you 'the man you've always wanted to be'; the pages of every sex-rag out there - as well as numerous 'high-brow' men's magazines - are littered with them. 'Give her the gift she's always wanted!'
All this really got me to thinking. Are there men out there who really DO want a missile in their pants? And how far is too far? I mean, at what point do things leave the realm of pleasure and enter the absurd - is there such a thing as TOO big? Mystified, I decided to do a little research and find out once and for all.
Despite all the humour, there is a very real undercurrent to this topic that dates back longer than any one of us can imagine. If there is one issue that is of nearly universal concern to all men (and women), it’s this. The last thing any male wants is to come up short – literally – in that department. As with breast size for women, this topic is under never-ending scrutiny in the media. Shows like ‘Sex And The City’ and ‘Ally McBeal’, which have depicted women crying in bed and leaving their lovers over inadequate penis size, only add to the furor. How else could a billion-dollar enlargement industry continue to grow and thrive?
It hasn’t always been this way. Although surely somewhat of a concern from the very beginnings of civilized culture, we’ve survived. Size has nothing to do with whether or not the parts work correctly – it’s merely an issue of aesthetics, and pleasure. Only in the last thirty-five years has it reached the level of omnipotent urgency we see today – everything has to be bigger, better, hotter, stronger…
In the seventies we saw the penis-pump come to light. Not openly spoken of, ordered by teenagers and lonely men from the backs of mattress-magazines and destined to end up collecting dust in the corner of the closet, they’re basically considered a relic today. In the eighties we began to hear a little about something called ‘traction’, rightly deserving of it’s S&M image-provoking name. This is a process by which you lengthen your penis by hanging weights from it for prolonged periods of time. Enough said.
It wasn’t until the mid nineties that we began seeing ads for things such as pills and solutions, and penile surgery, known as phalloplasty, was a commonly known technique. Then of course there’s ‘jelqing’, the so-called ‘natural and ancient’ manner of enlargement which basically consists of fifteen-minute daily sessions during which you repeatedly squeeze your penis as if it were a freezie that you were trying force the last drops of juice from.
As far as I could find, there is no scientific evidence to support the notion that any of these techniques really work. On the contrary, some of the side effects are down-right frightening, ranging from burst blood vessels to blisters to scarring, deformity, infection and even impotence. In the case of the pills, analyses performed by the University of Maryland and Flora Research of California have uncovered harmful contaminants including mold, yeast, E. Coli, pesticides, and lead, not to mention “heavy fecal contamination”. (Michael Donnenburg – U of Maryland.)
Is all of this really worth it? How many ‘small’ penises are actually out there and – here we come to it – what actually constitutes ‘small’ and ‘large’?
Putting aside personal preferences for a moment, lets look at the statistics. According to Wikipedia, several studies have been conducted regarding the length of the fully erect adult penis. Amusingly enough, “those studies that relied on self-measurement consistently reported a higher average than those that had staff take the measurements.”
Out of five separate studies from different parts of the world, the average length was between 5.1 and 6.1 inches. When it comes to girth, the average out of four separate studies was a lot closer – between 4.7 and 5.0 inches in circumference.
So, how does that sound to everyone? Correct? And, if so, good enough? Or has nature cut us all short on this one, being more concerned with the mechanisms of reproduction than the intricacies of pleasure?
Appararently, according to some women, certain men can be too big. What? Too big? Who ever heard of such a thing! Don’t be ridiculous. More is better, remember?
This brings to mind another fascinating issue. I am not an avid porn watcher, but I’ve done my share and seen some eye-opening things in my time. When it comes to the extremely well-endowed male (9 to 12 inches), I’ve often wondered exactly how it is that the women in these movies are able to take that much. As far as I knew, the cervix simply dosen’t leave enough room for someone like John holmes to get all the way in – so what, exactly, is happening?
After a little research the answer became clear. Unlike the penis, which is fairly simple, the vagina is an extremely complex piece of biological machinery. (Kinda like their owners!) Women are capable of having four different types of orgasm: vulval (clitoral), vaginal (g-spot), uterine (epicentre), and blended, the latter being any combination of the prior three. Researchers have also apparently found another hot-spot inside the vagina recently, known as the ‘Anterior Fornix Erotic’, or ‘AFE Zone’.
Now, if the vagina is a complex piece of machinery, then female orgasm, as one site put it, is an extrememly complex phenomenon. I’m not going to get into all the details here, but the one thing I did learn is that the vagina, which is capable of expanding to a size large enough to deliver an infant, is capable of accomodating nearly any size of penis. The key? Foreplay. The more physiologically aroused a woman is the more the vaginal walls – which are normally touching – will dilate, and the deeper inside the cervix will ascend. When a man thrusts in at a certain angle, the cervix, along with the entire uterus is stimulated either from the top or bottom, eventually enabling the uteral – or ‘epicentre’ – orgasm. However, you apparently have to be at least seven inches or more to achieve this, with the ideal length being nine inches.
Of course, there are certain physiological limitations – as with penis size, some women are naturally much ‘deeper’ than others. An extremely petite woman, for example, is simply not going to be able to accommodate a full twelve inches, no matter how deep her cervix may ascend.
However, given the above information, it would still seem that nature has reserved certain pleasures for the more well-endowed man. Is this fair? Of course not, but then, whoever said life itself was?
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Women know more about men's health than men do themselves and that's a fact. Why is that? Is it because we find it hard to discuss these things? Is it because it's not macho! From the time that we are young, we are taught that boys have to act tough and shouldn't cry. You must have heard the saying "Big Boys don't cry!"
Most of us carry this thought process into adulthood and feel by showing concern for our health, it will be seen as a male weakness. I am guilty of that myself.
I know when my prostate troubles began, I knew absolutely nothing about the prostate. I was one of the 96%. Mainly because it didn't cross my mind that I'd ever have any problems.
In addition, the prostate is in a "private" area, and it wasn't something I wanted to examine. Many people, including myself, feel uncomfortable talking about the prostate, since the gland plays a role in both sex and urination.
I have had prostate troubles, survived a cancer scare and watched my sister die from Cancer. Believe me, when I say that when you think you are going to die, it concentrates your mind on what is really important. Suddenly your priorities get focused.
Due to my prostate troubles, I became interested in learning about the prostate and how it affected my health.
I cried the day they took a biopsy and I cried with relief the day I was told it was benign. I cried many times as I watched my sister die.
I got so frustrated having to get up every night 3-4 times due to my prostate troubles and then finding I couldn't get back to sleep.
What is prostate cancer?
Prostate Cancer develops by the growth of cancerous cells within the prostate gland. Prostate cancer occurs when some of the cells that make up the prostate gland escape from the normal controls on their growth and start to divide, grow and spread in an uncontrolled manner. In its advanced form, it can produce the same symptoms as BPH. (Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia)
Warning Signs
Early prostate cancer often does not cause symptoms. When symptoms of prostate cancer do occur, they may include some of the following problems:
A need to urinate frequently, especially at night; Difficulty starting urination or holding back urine; Inability to urinate; Weak or interrupted flow of urine; Painful or burning urination; Painful ejaculation; Blood in urine or semen; and/or Frequent pain or stiffness in the lower back, hips, or upper thighs.
Any of these symptoms may be caused by cancer or by other, less serious health problems, such as BPH or an infection (Prostatitis). Only a doctor can tell the cause. A man who has symptoms like these should see his family doctor . Do not wait to feel pain; early prostate cancer does not cause pain.
These are two other main prostate problems
1) BPH - (Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia) is the abnormal growth of benign prostate cells. In an enlarged prostate , the prostate grows larger and pushes against the urethra and bladder, blocking the normal flow of urine. BPH is often the result of prostatitis.
2) Prostatitis refers to prostate inflammation and infection, which can be brief or long-lasting, mild or severe symptoms can include frequent, urgent and painful urination, erectile problems or pain >during ejaculation.
Prostatitis is rampant in the US, affecting at least 80% of American men. Most is without major symptoms. Prostate enlargement, called Benign Prostatic Hypertrophy (BPH) is often the result of prostatitis.
Treatment for Prostate Cancer
The treatment given for prostate cancer depends on how advanced or widespread the disease is. If the cancer is small and only present within the prostate gland, it is possible to treat it with
surgery (radical prostatectomy) radiotherapy (either external beam radiotherapy or brachytherapy) hormone therapy
I sincerely hope that this article can be of use to you, your partner, someone in your family or indeed a close friend.
Health to me is both physical and mental. The two cannot be separated. May I leave you with what I regard the finest bits of advice for life
**************************************************************
If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." Ann Landers
***************************************************************
I wish you perfect health and piece of mind in all that you do.
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Body contact for two minutes doesn’t mean to have sex. It is a natural urge and unless one is fully satisfied, the act remains uncompleted. Unable to provide sexual satisfaction to your partner shows that you are immature about sex. Having discussed the subject with numerous men and women about sex, it has been found that the first image that came to their mind is two people engaged in a hot and passionate contact for a prolonged time. Apart from touching and fondling each other your partner seeks a long time intimacy during the act and for this a perfect penile erection is a must. So if you are not experiencing a prolonged erection during a sexual act become serious about it. You may be suffering from some sexual dysfunction.
But thanks to today’s medical science for Levitra a perfect medicine for treating sexual dysfunction effectively. It is a medicine especially formulated for the treatment of defective penile erection. It comes in 2.5mg, 5mg 10mg and 20mg tablets. FDA trails have proved it to be a perfect treatment for erectile dysfunction found in men.
Levitra increases the blood flow into the penis. The active substance Verdenafil HCL in Levitra works by stimulating the nerves present in the penis by blocking the PDE-5 enzyme that control the blood flow into the penis.
Clinical trails have found that most men have been able to resume their sexual life successfully after its first use. It is generally taken about an hour before sex for it begins to show its power between 30 -60 mins of its intake. A dose a day is enough to give a full and prolonged erection throughout a sexual activity. Remember, Levitra is not an aphrodisiac i.e. a substance to give to give sexual arousal all the time.
Though clinical trails have recorded some side affects like headache, constipation and stuffy or runny nose but are found to be tolerated and reversible. However, visiting a doctor is recommended for the perfect dose and its usage.
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The other day, my mother, who compulsively shops for anything you can think of, bought me a bag of sunflower seeds, as I went through a phase of eating them about a decade ago.
First of all, this was a completely redundant gesture, as they were just the seeds, and everyone knows that sunflowers seeds taste of absolutely nothing at all, and the only pleasure to be derived from them is cracking the zebra-coloured shell to extract them.
No good deed is without merit, however, and in eating them I did manage an idea, which, as those who know me will tell you, is a laborious and taxing process at best.
According to the packaging (which, perhaps naively, I find no reason to doubt) these sunflower seeds were bought in a branch of Boots and are part of a "meal deal."
Now who, exactly, aside from perhaps squirrels and other small fluffy mammals, would ever consider sunflower seeds a "meal" ? Granted, perhaps Boots receive a lot of custom from numerous pigeons and small tits, but this still doesn't explain how I ended up with them as my mother doesn't even HAVE small tits.
Sorry, I seem to have digressed and in doing so swerved perilously close to the territory of the "fat momma" joke, which I'll avoid.
Meanwhile, back on the subject at hand, why is Boots (are Boots? is Boots? I hate shops with no apostrophes) selling food in the first place?! If a butcher had a deal on moisturiser and sun-tan lotion, I think I personally would give it a miss, but somehow a shop that's know for medicines and cosmetics has started offering meals and none of us has batted an eyelid.
Food in general, now that I mention it, has been getting stranger, lately. McDonalds, in a frankly ludicrous attempt to improve it's image, has started offering salads as a direct result of Morgan Spurlock's "Super Size Me."
Something about this bothers me, and I can't quite put my finger on it. Kudos to Mr. Spurlock for shaking an empire to it's core, it's impressive by any standards and far more than the more high-profile Michael Moore has managed to do. (Although one does suspect Moore eats all his meals at McDonalds and just forgot to film it...)
McDonalds, though, is about grease. It's about grease, and junk, and things that will, probably, give you a McCoronary sometime before you make it back to your car A coronary which, by all accounts, you can make bigger and more life threatening for a bargain 30p.
McDonalds isn't SUPPOSED to offer good food. Everyone knows that McDonalds is bland and bad for you, in the same way we know that alcohol is bad for us and we'll all regret it in the morning. Several months ago I thought I'd have a go at a McDonalds chocolate donut, and it was f*cking horrible. I remember remarking to those around me in my witty, Wilde-esque style, "This is f*cking 'orrible."
Doesn't matter. I still have one whenever I go in, now, and they're still terrible.
My point is this: NOBODY goes to McDonalds for a salad. In fact, I wouldn't trust anyone who did. I think I'll add that to my list of character indicators. Never listen to anyone who doesn't like "Columbo", and never trust anyone who goes to McDonalds for a salad.
Salads go against the whole POINT of McDonalds, and I personally think that they should have more balls than to run for cover when their "secret" gets out. Tobacco companies have known for years that cigarettes kill you, as have the public, but they don't suddenly branch out and start a new line of Malboro Lollipops as a healthy alternative.
Another thing that's worried my lately, food-wise, is the reappearance of Pepperami. For those too young to remember, or those living in another country, Pepperami is best described as a stick of peppered meat in a wrapper.
I've always been bothered by them, principally because nobody has yet proved to my satisfaction that it isn't just the spiced penis of some unknown animal that the snack-hungry public has sent rocketing towards extinction, but over the years I sort of forgot about them. Now, all signs (TV adverts, posters, the Beast running loose in the streets of Bethlehem) point to it coming back. We should be on our guard.
Now, some people may level the fair and accurate criticism at me that everything I write has no real structure; that I'm prone to going off on tangents and that I always end abruptly and inconclusively. This is true.
To these people, however, I say that if you can find another article on the web that goes from Sunflower seeds to animal penis by way of a chocolate donut, then good luck to you!
